Public Service Announcement
Warning: Following Cal football loses be on the lookout for fans suffering from “Crawford Cal-loss syndrome”. While not dangerous of its own right, when provoked, those suffering from this disease WILL react. Suffers can be identified by looking for overweight individuals not taller than 5′ 10″ and usually shorter than 5′ 7″ wearing significant amounts of Cal clothing and sweating profusely even on fog covered days while wearing shorts and t-shirts. Suffers tend to congregate into groups. The disease is contagious so watch for others congregating with the sufferers even when they don’t match the above description.
When you happen upon a group with individuals meeting this description first watch for signs of the disease. The first sign you’ll notice will be scowling faces and an uneasy silence. Also watch for angry and accusatory statements that occasionally puncture the silence. These comments are often responded to with further statements of disbelief and claims of athletic ability not present in the group (“Any of us could have thrown that pass” being a common example.).
Once you have identified the disease, it is important to know how to respond:
-Do NOT provoke them. Although they never turn physically violent, the verbal outburst unleashed upon you WILL make you feel violated.
-Do NOT ask them the outcome of the game. This warning can not be taken too seriously. Isn’t it obvious enough? Is it obvious NOW!?!
-Watch for flying objects. This warning should not be taken too seriously as most items thrown will be of the softer variety and unlikely to do any harm. More dangerous items, when thrown, are thrown with a surprising concern for other’s safety particularly considering the rage with which they are thrown.
-Keep all valuables out of reach. While the above warning is accurate, no regard is shown towards the value of items thrown. The next item hucked might just be your new cell phone. TV remotes are particularly likely candidates.
-Do NOT try to console them. Consoling will look like provoking to those with the disease.
-Make sure you fulfill all your responsibilities. Spouses that fail to walk fast enough or navigate the crowd well enough should most heed this warning. Bus drivers, concession stand workers and other game officials need also be concerned here.
Your best course of action is to give all sufferers of these disease as much conversational space as is possible. While there is no need to give physical space (sufferers are used to walking in crowded places) you should be quiet and focus on anticipating what will be asked of you next. Questions should be answered promptly, efficiently and unambiguously. Commands or requests should be acted upon immediately with military like precision. (Although a salute is not wise (see the warning about provoking) it is the appropriate mind set to be in.)
Finally, the key to surviving an encounter is to understand that, while the disease can take anywhere from two hours to 2 seconds to onset, once it has reached it’s peak, the disease runs it’s course very quickly and consistently. Instead of trying to conquer the disease, your goal should be to survive it. Once the sufferer has exited the stadium or turned off the television/radio, it will be no more than 30 minutes before suffers can restrain themselves when provoked (in most cases). Walking significantly helps reduce this amount of time as does reaching one’s car or even the bus that will take them to their car. By the time the sufferer goes to bed, the disease will have finished running its course (although you should probably read warnings about the far less dangerous but much longer lasting “Crawford Cal-loss hangover”.).
This concludes this public service announcement.