Catholic sex education for a teenage baseball fan

It’s pretty simple son:

1. You can’t play the game until after you’re drafted and make it through the opening day ceremonies.
2. You can’t practice by yourself.
3. You can’t watch other teams play (or practice for that matter).
4. There are no trades or free agency; you must be on the same team your whole life.
5. You can’t play the game if the umpires won’t let you score.

Pretty simple, yes?

6 Responses to “Catholic sex education for a teenage baseball fan”

  1. Sarah Says:

    Who are the umpires: women or God?

  2. Ken Crawford Says:

    Huh? Neither, although in re-thinking about it I could see why one might think that but only for God. Remember that the woman and man makeup the team so that’s out of the equation.

    But it’s not God either. You’re thinking of “score” in the wrong context. That’s “playing the game”. “Scoring” would be the “outcome” of playing the game. Who can change “outcome” of playing? The umpire.

    Making sense now?

    Maybe I should have said that you can’t play if there is a net stopping the ball from leaving the park. Or you can’t play if the bat is corked (there’s a mixed metaphor if there ever was one, so scratch that one.). Or maybe you can’t play if the pitcher is prevented from getting the ball across the plate.

    You catching the drift yet?

  3. Ken Crawford Says:

    By the way, if anyone can think of any other rules or different/better ways to say the existing rules, I’d be interested to hear them.

    Also, even though it is implicitely covered by rules #1 and #5, one might want to explicitely state what becomes rule #6:

    #6. Your team can only have two players and they must consist of one lefty and one righty.

  4. Paul Says:

    I did have to think about Rule #5 for a little bit, but I did figure it out. I had to think about the “Catholic method” and then it all made sense.

    As a corollary to Rule #2 (and perhaps it is covered by Rule #1, “You can’t practice with anyone else.”

  5. Ken Crawford Says:

    See, I thought about rule #2 being over specific but wasn’t sure whether it would be as clear without the “by yourself” qualifier. I thought of something like:

    #2. No practice is allowed except for warming up for the game. Warming up and not playing is not allowed.

    Back to rule #5, maybe there should be an addition:

    5. You can’t play the game if the umpires won’t let you score. However, it is acceptable to play in weather where a shutout is naturally likely.

    Another possible addition to a rule:

    4. There are no trades or free agency; you must be on the same team your whole life. By extension, there are no professional players. These are volunteer teams.

  6. Ken's Brother Says:

    sigh, there is way to much thought into these guys.
    But to beat a dead horse (and quote the great Tom Hanks)
    There is no crying in baseball lol.